Today I feel like sitting in silence.
The stress of earlier this week....getting a photo shoot put together and pulled off seems so stupid now.
The anxiety, stress, frustration, witness of multiple melt downs is muffled and now seems so petty.
This is all landfill tomorrow.....I tried to remind myself when the designer is yelling at the top of her lungs.
It's hard to watch a child model walk up to the make shift office we have set up in the concrete studio.
They look so sweet and innocent. All those kids want is approval. They walk up to the table we look them up and down to determine what parts of their wardrobe need to be changed. The shirt works the pants don't. The kid just smiles but no one notices.
All this seems so ridiculous knowing that on the other side of the world hundreds of thousands of people lost their lives to a tidal wave of water.
I took a break during lunch. I went outside and laid back on the metal stairs that led down to the green belt between the studios. I laid their with the warm Texas spring time sun hitting my body. I pulled my curly hair over my face to screen it from the sun. I laid there thinking about those people. Their families that will mourn, the devastation, the helplessness of the people who are trapped on the roof tops without water or food. And then I think about those few months last year when I thought I was dying. Life became so clear. The joy of just breathing sent tingling sensations from my head to my toes. I cherished every moment from tasting food, feeling the air hit my cheek, the touch of my partners hand on mine, my daughters smile that mirrors mine, and on and on.....
As time progressed I felt the rapture, the spirit, the guide within me slipping further and further away. Now I lay awake at night and tears fall down my cheeks wanting that warmth back. I felt guided by this voice. This morning on my way to the shoot....I was stuck in traffic sitting at a red light line that went on for 3 blocks. I sat there in my car stressed because it was 7:45 and if the traffic was going to be this thick I wasn't going to make it to the shoot by 8:30. I sat there and thought, "o.k. so I'm here in this line of cars ..Universe, what is it that you want me to notice at this moment, right here?" The radio started playing, "You are loved" - I FELT IT AGAIN. A smile came over my face, the tingling was back, I started crying with joy. I am figuring out that I can access this at any time anywhere.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Pain in my Arse/Metaphysics/Reike/Shaman Soul Retrieval/Dream
I've had progressively worsening pain in my tailbone for almost a decade.
I noticed the longer I had to sit the worse it would be. Like a toothache between your butt cheeks.
yeah, fun.
So about a year ago I started physical therapy hoping for relief to no avail.
6 months ago I had an MRI done to figure out what was going on.
The MRI showed roughly 20 tumors on the inside of my spinal cord starting at the horses tail.
"The last tumor is the size of your thumb and is in your tailbone," was the news I received.
I spent the next 2 weeks at every type of specialist you can imagine to figure out what was happening.
After 6 months of going from, "I've got cancer and am going to die" to "I can heal myself metaphysically, I'm not ready to leave this world yet," the final tests showed that the tumors are benign (not life threatening) and not growing.
The pain in my tailbone is not associated with these tumors. They are benign nerve sheath tumors (Shwannomas, like the elephant man but internal). If not for modern medicine I wouldn't have probably ever known they were there. Whew!
But the pain in my tailbone is still there and in fact, worse. The doctors have now decided that the pain is coccydenia (like arthritis in the tailbone). Most likely this is occurring because of a childhood injury. My sister Margery reminded me that when I was about 10 or 11 I fell on my sharp backed tennis shoe right on the edge of my tailbone while playing dodge ball in gym class. I couldn't move for a week. The pain was excruciating.
The first treatment is, "don't sit." - yeah right.
The next treatment is steroid shots in the tailbone.
The first one worked some but the pain still comes back so the next one will be an epidural steroid injection. This can't come soon enough.
Although right now this very morning as I type this the pain isn't prevalent. I had a Reiki/Body massage yesterday and it always helps for a day or two. I went on a journey with my Reiki therapist to try to figure out why I was having pain in my tailbone. Metaphysicians believe pain is created by the mind. I agree to some extent with this theory. When we go into the body via mediation my root chakra (red) cannot be cleaned completely. The root chakra is about security and primal protection. It governs your most basic of needs. I have always had a base fear that everything is going to be taken from me so this is all plausible.
While she is working on me and at the root chakra level she sees a vision of me as a teenager holding a canvas duffle bag refusing to give it away. She has tried to coax this bag out of my hands before. She has also seen (and this is common) a big chest. Like the kind you use to buy at the army navy store before heading off to summer camp. What makes my chest different than others is that when she opens it to see the contents they are meticulously folded and spaced. It is pristine and perfect. She said I willingly give her the chest but will not hand over the small vinyl duffle bag (from the 80's, green).
After our sessions she asked me what happened to me as a teenager/early adolescents that keeps me guarding this? I can't think of anything other than normal teenage drama. I had a horrible boyfriend. It was destructive and abusive to say the least.
She wants to help me. The pain is still there. She has recommended me to a Shaman for a Soul Retrieval session. The Shaman takes a journey with you through your life to see where the hole in your soul got created. Some place where you gave your power away or had an out of body experience. When you have an out of body experience you leave it so you can protect your mind but in doing so you create a hole in your soul. The Shaman has suggested I write my dreams down. I've started this.
This morning I woke up with this dream:
I'm riding in a car (represents my physical body) with someone who appears to be my partner but has qualities of my best friend (represents my everyday awake self: both represent smart, clean, happy). So the smart clean happy side of myself- We are driving away from a lake house weekend (represents the mind on holiday) but we are driving in the wrong direction. I ask why. Because we have to go to this place to get something to clean the carpets with so we can leave the Lake house in perfect order. (So I guess I am leaving my vacationing mind and wanted to clean it before I go back to my home which represents the mind as well) Then we are at some roadside honky tonk (a derailment). I am irritated we are there(coming from an event that happened last Thursday, I wanted to leave a happy hour at 11pm, I know...not exactly a happy hour anymore, but my partner wanted to stay- we argued, I had to work the next day and am stressed out about the amount of work I'm dealing with) We head to the parking lot (a state/space in my mind where you think of your body=car) to leave but she hears music coming from a dj booth with friends from high school(represent aspects of my waking self during a time of complete freedom). She leaves to join them. I get in the car angry and text her that I am leaving. She has left me a voicemail saying she is staying and that I can leave. I feel relieved.
I noticed the longer I had to sit the worse it would be. Like a toothache between your butt cheeks.
yeah, fun.
So about a year ago I started physical therapy hoping for relief to no avail.
6 months ago I had an MRI done to figure out what was going on.
The MRI showed roughly 20 tumors on the inside of my spinal cord starting at the horses tail.
"The last tumor is the size of your thumb and is in your tailbone," was the news I received.
I spent the next 2 weeks at every type of specialist you can imagine to figure out what was happening.
After 6 months of going from, "I've got cancer and am going to die" to "I can heal myself metaphysically, I'm not ready to leave this world yet," the final tests showed that the tumors are benign (not life threatening) and not growing.
The pain in my tailbone is not associated with these tumors. They are benign nerve sheath tumors (Shwannomas, like the elephant man but internal). If not for modern medicine I wouldn't have probably ever known they were there. Whew!
But the pain in my tailbone is still there and in fact, worse. The doctors have now decided that the pain is coccydenia (like arthritis in the tailbone). Most likely this is occurring because of a childhood injury. My sister Margery reminded me that when I was about 10 or 11 I fell on my sharp backed tennis shoe right on the edge of my tailbone while playing dodge ball in gym class. I couldn't move for a week. The pain was excruciating.
The first treatment is, "don't sit." - yeah right.
The next treatment is steroid shots in the tailbone.
The first one worked some but the pain still comes back so the next one will be an epidural steroid injection. This can't come soon enough.
Although right now this very morning as I type this the pain isn't prevalent. I had a Reiki/Body massage yesterday and it always helps for a day or two. I went on a journey with my Reiki therapist to try to figure out why I was having pain in my tailbone. Metaphysicians believe pain is created by the mind. I agree to some extent with this theory. When we go into the body via mediation my root chakra (red) cannot be cleaned completely. The root chakra is about security and primal protection. It governs your most basic of needs. I have always had a base fear that everything is going to be taken from me so this is all plausible.
While she is working on me and at the root chakra level she sees a vision of me as a teenager holding a canvas duffle bag refusing to give it away. She has tried to coax this bag out of my hands before. She has also seen (and this is common) a big chest. Like the kind you use to buy at the army navy store before heading off to summer camp. What makes my chest different than others is that when she opens it to see the contents they are meticulously folded and spaced. It is pristine and perfect. She said I willingly give her the chest but will not hand over the small vinyl duffle bag (from the 80's, green).
After our sessions she asked me what happened to me as a teenager/early adolescents that keeps me guarding this? I can't think of anything other than normal teenage drama. I had a horrible boyfriend. It was destructive and abusive to say the least.
She wants to help me. The pain is still there. She has recommended me to a Shaman for a Soul Retrieval session. The Shaman takes a journey with you through your life to see where the hole in your soul got created. Some place where you gave your power away or had an out of body experience. When you have an out of body experience you leave it so you can protect your mind but in doing so you create a hole in your soul. The Shaman has suggested I write my dreams down. I've started this.
This morning I woke up with this dream:
I'm riding in a car (represents my physical body) with someone who appears to be my partner but has qualities of my best friend (represents my everyday awake self: both represent smart, clean, happy). So the smart clean happy side of myself- We are driving away from a lake house weekend (represents the mind on holiday) but we are driving in the wrong direction. I ask why. Because we have to go to this place to get something to clean the carpets with so we can leave the Lake house in perfect order. (So I guess I am leaving my vacationing mind and wanted to clean it before I go back to my home which represents the mind as well) Then we are at some roadside honky tonk (a derailment). I am irritated we are there(coming from an event that happened last Thursday, I wanted to leave a happy hour at 11pm, I know...not exactly a happy hour anymore, but my partner wanted to stay- we argued, I had to work the next day and am stressed out about the amount of work I'm dealing with) We head to the parking lot (a state/space in my mind where you think of your body=car) to leave but she hears music coming from a dj booth with friends from high school(represent aspects of my waking self during a time of complete freedom). She leaves to join them. I get in the car angry and text her that I am leaving. She has left me a voicemail saying she is staying and that I can leave. I feel relieved.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Trust The Universe
while walking
no matter where
no matter the purpose
no matter the direction
no matter the weather
no matter the city
no matter the mood
no matter ANYTHING
I can look down and find a ponytail holder or rubber band.
weird, I know, but it's true.
I've tested it.
I started noticing this after the breakup of my then 15 year marriage.
It's been 4 years since it started or at least since I started noticing them.
Recently I started meditating and since Google search came up with no explanation I asked,
"Why do I see these?"
and in my foot numbing crossed leg posture pose I heard,
"trust in the universe"
so I started this blog...
i love to write
i hate to think
i love to dream
i hate chaos
so today i start my blog about my life
upcoming topics
metaphysics: why, WHY did I choose this life?
lesbian: yes I am, the curse and the beauty
work: from necessary evil to fulfilling, sort of
work: power trips and tirades
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